I tend to overanalyze some things, and completely ignore other things. My heart has been more and more distant from Jesus recently. Oh don't get me wrong--I'm too well trained to stop "praying" and "reading my Bible", but I have struggled for several weeks to honestly lay my heart out before my Jesus.
Yesterday, I processed this a bit farther. I realized I am blaming Jesus for my pain. I am frustrated that he isn't fixing the things that are making me so sad. He could just take away those things and bring me joy. He could undo all the changes that are wrecking my heart right now. He could do that. And for the last few weeks, I thought, if he really loved me, he would do that.
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:31-32
Looking at the cross of Jesus, how can I question his love for me? There's no doubt that his heart is overflowing with love for me. He says he delights in me. He says that I'm his, despite my bad attitudes and selfish, angry responses to his plans. Dang! When I question his love for me, I am rebelling against him and choosing to listen to the age old lie from Satan.
So I am praying he will do something different in my heart. I'm praying that my processing looks something more like this: If He loves me (and he DOES! "He who did not spare his son..."), then the pain I'm walking through is his grace to me. It's like when you spank a kid so that they won't run into the street and get killed by a car. Whatever this pain is doing in my heart is not punishment, it is grace. It is part of the bigger beautiful picture that I cannot see. He loves me.
He loves me. That's where I must start and end. His love cannot just sometimes be the result of my processing... it must be the foundation of it.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Happy Mother's Day to the single girl
Today I saw hundreds of mothers-as I do on every Sunday. In my best moments I was able to wish them a sincere Happy Mother's day. In the other moments, I would either whisper it or pretend I forgot it all together.
I failed my own mother this year. I sent her a book (It is a good one, but still... a book). I meant to send a sweet card, but as I looked at the options, they were all idiotic, and I couldn't bear spending $5 on a piece of crap-this-is-how-halmark-earns-its-money-piece of paper. And then I didn't have time to make her one. I called her instead. I hope that counts.
Today hit me harder than previous Mother's Days have... the feeling that I'm aching to be a mother, and wondering more seriously now, than ever, if I ever will be one. Single girls aren't supposed to say that.... Maybe that's too vulnerable... you're allowed to say that if you're married... but if you're single, I guess that's too far. Oh well... I am saying it anyway. (And OMG, if you're heart is there, don't even think about signing into social media.)
And tonight at church... like every week, I attended the only service without something for the kids, and I ached again to "graduate out" of that service. To be the married mom at any of the other services... but not to be stuck here... not to be at the service without kids.
But God, in his mysterious kindness, blessed me beyond what I could have imagined through three different, unconnected moms.
This mother's day, three moms did the unthinkable. They wished ME a happy mother's day and thanked me for loving on their kids. Now, I am the first to admit, I don't know what it's like to be a mom. I don't wake up to the crying babies, and when I put one to bed, I leave the house (where I'm babysitting) before they wake up. Only occasionally do I have a kid 24hours in a row or more, so obviously, I'm not claiming any mother-of-the-year-award. I am not even going to claim that I understand the hard work and dedication that it takes to be a mother. Trust me... I wouldn't dare.
But these incredible, self-less, hardworking moms honored me in the biggest way possible... by telling me that caring for their kids-even in the small ways that I try to-matters to them. And that rocked this single-but-longing-to-be-a-mother-girl's world than they will ever know. (So when these stupid Hallmark with unrealistic expectations that still bother us even though we know they're crazy holidays come around, remember the people who ache to celebrate them too.)
Moms, Thank you for remembering me today... Really, there aren't words for how deeply that blessed me. I feel like I was schooled in selflessness this year from these amazing mothers. And isn't that what being a mom is all about anyway?
I failed my own mother this year. I sent her a book (It is a good one, but still... a book). I meant to send a sweet card, but as I looked at the options, they were all idiotic, and I couldn't bear spending $5 on a piece of crap-this-is-how-halmark-earns-its-money-piece of paper. And then I didn't have time to make her one. I called her instead. I hope that counts.
Today hit me harder than previous Mother's Days have... the feeling that I'm aching to be a mother, and wondering more seriously now, than ever, if I ever will be one. Single girls aren't supposed to say that.... Maybe that's too vulnerable... you're allowed to say that if you're married... but if you're single, I guess that's too far. Oh well... I am saying it anyway. (And OMG, if you're heart is there, don't even think about signing into social media.)
And tonight at church... like every week, I attended the only service without something for the kids, and I ached again to "graduate out" of that service. To be the married mom at any of the other services... but not to be stuck here... not to be at the service without kids.
But God, in his mysterious kindness, blessed me beyond what I could have imagined through three different, unconnected moms.
This mother's day, three moms did the unthinkable. They wished ME a happy mother's day and thanked me for loving on their kids. Now, I am the first to admit, I don't know what it's like to be a mom. I don't wake up to the crying babies, and when I put one to bed, I leave the house (where I'm babysitting) before they wake up. Only occasionally do I have a kid 24hours in a row or more, so obviously, I'm not claiming any mother-of-the-year-award. I am not even going to claim that I understand the hard work and dedication that it takes to be a mother. Trust me... I wouldn't dare.
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| Mother's Day Flowers |
Moms, Thank you for remembering me today... Really, there aren't words for how deeply that blessed me. I feel like I was schooled in selflessness this year from these amazing mothers. And isn't that what being a mom is all about anyway?
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