The foundation of my processing

I tend to overanalyze some things, and completely ignore other things. My heart has been more and more distant from Jesus recently. Oh don't get me wrong--I'm too well trained to stop "praying" and "reading my Bible", but I have struggled for several weeks to honestly lay my heart out before my Jesus.

Yesterday, I processed this a bit farther. I realized I am blaming Jesus for my pain. I am frustrated that he isn't fixing the things that are making me so sad. He could just take away those things and bring me joy. He could undo all the changes that are wrecking my heart right now. He could do that. And for the last few weeks, I thought, if he really loved me, he would do that.

 "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:31-32

Looking at the cross of Jesus, how can I question his love for me? There's no doubt that his heart is overflowing with love for me. He says he delights in me. He says that I'm his, despite my bad attitudes and selfish, angry responses to his plans. Dang! When I question his love for me, I am rebelling against him and choosing to listen to the age old lie from Satan. 

So I am praying he will do something different in my heart. I'm praying that my processing looks something more like this: If He loves me (and he DOES! "He who did not spare his son..."), then the pain I'm walking through is his grace to me. It's like when you spank a kid so that they won't run into the street and get killed by a car. Whatever this pain is doing in my heart is not punishment, it is grace. It is part of the bigger beautiful picture that I cannot see. He loves me. 

He loves me. That's where I must start and end. His love cannot just sometimes be the result of my processing... it must be the foundation of it.